March 15, 44 BCE
Today, I wake up feeling faint. My limbs ache. My stomach growls as I sit down to my breakfast of baked dormice. It tastes fabulous. But not nearly as fabulous as me. I am Caesar. The ultimate ruler of Rome. What I say goes. The people of Rome worship me. I really cannot blame them. It is not possible to ignore this emperor- this emblem of power.
I walk to my usual spot at the senate. Here, I can see all that goes on. Nothing can escape my observant eye. Senators look at me nervously. Good. I like to see those unimportant little urchins put in their place. They don’t matter. It’s me that matters. Only me. Surveying the room, my majestic eyes come to rest on Brutus, my old-but not nearly as wonderful- friend. Can eyes be majestic? Yes. But only when they’re on me. Marvelous, glorious me. Julius Caesar. I love how that sounds.
Do you want to hear more about me? Of courses you do. Forgive me for asking such a ridiculous question. Besides, if you had said no, (which, of course, you obviously never would do) I would have crucified you. My very favorite punishment. I find it very enjoyable to watch the look on the little pimple’s faces as their friends are nailed to wooden crosses. I’ve tried to bring it to schools, but alas, those idiot teachers didn’t share my genius. So I crucified them.
Poets come towards me. They obviously want to bask in the radiance of my poetic glory, amongst my many other amazing qualities. They start to read me their work. It’s okay, I guess. Actually, it’s not okay. It’s not about me. Wonderful, fantastic me. Crucify them all! My poems are far superior to theirs! MY poems can really express the most important concept and describe it with great depth and feeling…ME!
***
Me, me, glorious me,
So wonderful am I,
Caesar’s your name,
And along with your fame,
You’re brighter than stars in the sky!
Ladies get in a queue,
Just to be with you,
But can you blame them? NO!
Cleopatra’s the best
But when put to the test
She’s colder than ice and snow!
***
Now, when I say Cleopatra’s the best, I mean, of course, with the exception of warm-hearted, awe-inspiring ME!
My wife, Julia- no, it’s Trifosa- no, it’s- I honestly can’t remember what it is, but why should I be expected to, when the only one who matters is genius, wonderful ME! My wife told me that she had a dream. Everyone dreams, right? Everyone dreams boring old dreamy dreams… except ME! I dream fascinating things that will forever benefit society like… oh, well I can’t name any at the moment, but that’s just because I have so many amazing accomplishments, that it’s hard to remember them all.
My wife told me that she had a dream about “bad things” happening to me at the senate on March 15… that’s today! And so far, everything has been fine! My wife totally over reacts… I think I’ll crucify her, too.
Then, my personal Oracle (who is like the personal, very lucky fortune teller of glorious, incredible me) told me that she “foresaw bad things on the senate of March 15”. Blah-de-blah-de-blah. I think she may be mental. She was talking about the stupid senate when she could have been talking about the supreme ruler of a powerful city, and an undeniably amazing person. In other words, ME! Fabulous, wonderful ME!
I think I’ll crucify her, too.
Oh, here comes my old friend Brutus. Come to think of it, I haven’t actually seen him in a while. He hasn’t praised me for such a long time. Maybe I’ll crucify him, too. Oh, here he comes. To see me. Fabulous, amazing me. Can’t really blame him, wanting to see me better. The boy’s always looked up to me.
Don’t worry about him, I tell the guards. They nod their heads and lower their spears. Of course, they obey the wondrous me. I am like a god to those pathetic imbeciles.
Brutus walks up to me smiling. No surprise there. I am even better close up. I smile back, revealing my perfect, wonderful teeth. They are like tiny, perfect pearls, inside a perfect mouth, which belongs to the greatest man in all of Rome (my Rome, by the way)!
But then, Brutus did something unimaginable! Even I, the brightest man in the world did not foresee what that fiend Brutus did… he stabbed me! Glorious, fantastic me! What on earth could that little fiend have against the most kind, caring and sensitive man in Rome? If I had survived that, I would have crucified him for sure!
And not only that! All of the senators jumped out of their seats and lined up to stab me! Poor, innocent, amazing me!
What a tragic, dramatic death for the most loved and respected man in Rome! ME!
But then, my biggest admirer, that wonderful boy Antony (not as wonderful as me though, of course) did something that changed everything.
Anthony stands up at the circus. The eyes of the crowd turn from the gore of prisoners being ripped into shreds by lions to Antony, and he started to read my will to the people of Rome! It touched their hearts!
Actually, I have more than one will. And/ the two are very, VERY different. One is purposely horrible, stupidly written and clearly not to be followed under any circumstances. The other one is a caring, loving speech with true passion, and the makings of a truly genius work of art.
***
Will to be followed under all circumstances:
I leave my wonderful palace to me!
It is to become a tomb for the greatest man on earth…
And I’m sure you know who that is!
My fortune I leave to me!
It is to be melted to build the greatest coffin ever…
A coffin made of solid gold…
And I wish for the position of emperor to be left to none other than…
Marc Antony, who I’m sure will honour me as a god…
The way I rightfully should be honoured, of course.
***
My other will, now:
To the people of Rome, I leave:
My money, which is to be spread evenly throughout all of Rome, given to everyone equally, for I consider all of my people equal.
My palace will be opened to the public, for all to marvel at.
And the position of emperor will remain empty.
Rome will become a democracy.
***
Those stupid citizens will believe anything! Especially when it’s me who tells them it. Or, of course, that Antony. He told them Will #2 (the stupidly written one) and-of course- they believed EVERY WORD OF IT! They actually think that I, their worshipped god and leader- CARE about them!
Of course, a mob is formed, and my wonderful citizens (with Antony in the lead, of course) team up and kill that wretched traitor Brutus! I feel so honoured (yet not surprised) that all of those people would kill for me! Heavenly, glorious me…
(Written by some old friends of mine.)
